Can a perfectionist be an optimist? I’m cautiously optimistic.

I’ve been pretty down lately. The clear signs are my change in eating, exercise habits (or lack thereof), and incessant shopping (lol okay so that might just be me all the time!). I disclosed two blogs ago about something I perceived as a failure and personal flaw. I must admit after I wrote about it I felt great and better about it. But then the symptoms came back. I’m not dieting as I should and I am beating myself up over what I consider a failure. I could just chalk this up to a temporary mood swing except I know better. Something is wrong when I wasn’t able to TRULY enjoy a recent success that I experienced. I’m happy about it, but I am really not basking in the glow of this major success. I’m just okay with it. That’s not like me. I usually celebrate every success just as hard as I worked towards it. Don’t get me wrong, I am thankful for that success but something just doesn’t seem right.

The horrible secret everyone has been keeping from me. PAY ATTENTION…Someone might be trying to tell you something.

Like a wet armpit stain on a princess cut, solid colored Express blouse your personality is noticeable. Your friends know the ins and outs of what makes you, you. But very often, they won’t tell you (at least not directly) that there may be something wrong with your personality. Only their reactions to you leave you clues of how you affect people. Positively or negatively. It goes both ways.

CLUE #1 My friends avoid giving me negative feedback like the plague. So afraid of my reaction or relentless effort to “fix it” they simply find positive things to say or say nothing at all. Great friends right?! Yea, I love them a lot. But that’s not conducive to my growth.

CLUE #2 Often, I am told “Wow you put a lot of effort into that…I wasn’t expecting that much.” Or “It doesn’t have to be perfect.” The latter statement irks my inner core. Of course things don’t HAVE to be perfect…but does that mean you don’t try to achieve it (still rolling my eyes).

CLUE#3 I am often given sensitive/detail-oriented projects at work.

CLUE#4 I procrastinate until I know the perfect method of execution.

CLUE#5 My mantra is Go hard or Go Home. All or nothing!

If you haven’t guessed it by now, I’m a textbook perfectionist. Today I typed in perfectionist in Wikipedia and my jaw dropped. Yes I’ve been called a perfectionist before (many times now that I think of it) but never had I really reviewed the true DSM-IV-esque definition of it. I either take it as a compliment or just ignore it completely. This was the horrible secret everyone has been keeping from me-yet hinting at.

Could I be this bad? I don’t find similarities with all of the description but there are many that had the ring of truth. Truthfully, I am still shocked at what I read. I immediately took one of the quizzes the wikipedia entry suggested. The results confirmed my friends’ assertion. I am a (sigh) perfectionist.

What does that mean you say? It means that I am overly critical of myself. I weigh every setback and imperfection as a failure on my part. I am a workaholic. I stress often and plan incessantly. “Go with the flow” is counterintuitive for me. Criticism is a fate worst than death and my standards are high. (taking a deep breath)

But there is a bright side. Oh yes. As much as I am a perfectionist I am a STRONG believer in positive thinking. It is my belief that impossible is just a synonym for difficult. I see great things in everyone I meet even those I can’t stand (very short list). And although I criticize my work/self, I tend to reserve judgment on other people and their decisions.

So here I am a complete and utter paradox in need of some skirts, tops, and a new express blouse (figuratively speaking).

I’ll keep you updated!

Random side note: NEW OUTLET ON LONG ISLAND IN DEER PARK I CAN”T WAIT TO GET OVER THERE! Okay, I’m on a budget so I will wait for some sales.