HI HATER

Every morning I wake up, say my prayers/thanks, brush my teeth, and check my email. I have a few email accounts (as most people do). It is my way of keeping organized. I have hotmail (on MSN) for most of my social correspondence. I have gmail for business. I have my general work email and I have another hotmail address for graphics/website help. Let’s just say when it comes to email…I get it in : - )

I digress. Anyway I always check MSN.com to see what is new in the world. I have to say that http://www.msn.com/ comes up with the most timely articles/discussion topics. I wonder if they are reading my mind and then posting the answer. Hmmm.

Case and point. http://lifestyle.msn.com/mindbodyandsoul/personalgrowth/articlerb.aspx?cp-documentid=7810919&GT1=32001 (open in a new window to review…there will be a test)

Once again MSN has done it! The topic of our discussion today is dealing with people who try to thwart your B.on a B. spirit. See significant quotes from the article followed by my two cents below:

The Honest Critic. “This is the person that considers it her/his] divine right… to speak the truth at all costs. And you’re not supposed to be offended because this person is just being honest.”

The advice the article gives: This type of person is self-centered, says Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., author of It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction. "She says the first thing that pops into her mind — just like a 2-year-old — with no regard for hurt feelings or consequences." Or she's provocative just for effect, hoping to cause a stir by dropping verbal bombs no one else would dream of saying. But here's the rub: Telling this walking sledgehammer that her harsh words hurt your or anyone else's feelings may play right into her need to be the brave truth teller, thus stoking an already inflamed ego. So to call her on her bad behavior, say something like, "I guess I'm one of those people who prefers tact and empathy to 'honesty,'" suggests Tessina.


B.on a B. response: Honesty does not automatically equal truth. It never did. I have met many people that use this excuse. They pride themselves in always “keeping it real/realistic” as if their opinion is gospel truth. The sad part is they never do it with themselves. So your honesty is just for me? Why thanks…you shouldn’t have…no really you keep it.

Hater says: “You look fat/too skinny/funny/silly in that dress”
My response: “I look great but if you’d try it on, you wouldn’t look right which is why you’re upset. Don’t worry I understand”
Hater says…who the hell cares what the hater said because I’ve already walked away or averted my attention to something more important.

Next up the “Change-Averse Critic”. I would actually like to change the name of this hater. I hereby rename “Change-Averse Critic”….wait for it…. “The I’m stupid, uncreative, fruitless, and otherwise a loser and I want company…come join me Hater”. (takes a deep breath) also known as the “How’d you get that” hater.

Here’s what the article says... With this type of critic, there are usually two underlying issues at play — fear and a need for control. "They're afraid of the unknown and of not being in charge of their surroundings, so they end up projecting those fears onto everybody else," explains Tessina. Your idea might also make this critic realize her life isn't all she wants it to be, so she/he tries to hold you back along with her/him.


B.on a B. response: I hate this hater! Can you tell? Okay. Okay. Strongly dislike. I recently ran into said hater a year ago. This person was in my place of residence (which is a big deal because I usually don’t let haters in the house…but who knew that person was a hater. Go figure) for all of five seconds before they said, “How much do you pay for this? How did you get in here?

PAUSE. I need a moment to breathe. Exhale. Okay. Let’s proceed.

Hater: How much do you pay for this? How did you get in here?
My Response: BLANK STARE…followed by a sigh. (I really don’t want to be mean to this person but COME ON REALLY?)
Hater: I mean do you pay a lot?
My Response: BLANK STARE (I’m really shocked. I am also trying to figure out if this person wants help finding a place or if they want to compare/compete with me.) I know a great real estate agent*. Let me know if you want her number.
Hater: Oh please. I’m not a baller like you… (Snickers at their own joke)
My Response: Sorry to hear that….you ready to go?

Needless to say this person has not seen the inside of my home again.

Finally, my favorite critic from the article “The Competitive critic.” This is the critic that I am sad to say I have the most interactions with. This is the person that you get along with, have fun with, but then all of a sudden, out of no where, they hate on you. You purchase a new car…they find some way to say how their car is better. You get a new job…they some how find a way to tell you that one day you’ll get a job like they will. To be honest and truthful, this person is not faring any better than you in life. If they were, you would know it, and they wouldn’t have to brag. Looking at the grand picture…why are you competing against anyone….in LIFE? Competition is great…as long as you are actually in a competition. But the last time I checked…the only one keeping score on life is God. So I repeat…why are they competing with you?

Now say this loud and proud: I do things to make myself happy. I do it at the pace which pleases me. My decisions are based on my needs and my family’s needs. My thought process when making a decision does not include you. Okay hater??

Feel better right? Well heck I do! LOL

The article says to confront the Competitive Critic and ask them if they are truly happy for you. I disagree here. Chances are if you are reading this blog…you are no dummy (shameless branding). You know they are not happy for you. Instead, I would simply reply “I’m happy with my choice” and leave it at that.

Phew! That was a lot of negativity to handle in one day. Some final thoughts for all of you B.on a B’s out there:

1. Recognize hate. Acknowledge that your FRIENDS may be the ones hating on you. Use your discretion. Figure out if this person is truly a friend. They may be good people but are projecting their insecurities on to you for the moment. Your response should then be aimed at the root of the problem.

2. Validate yourself at home. Make sure you know what your strengths are. You will always be affected by haters if you are unsure of yourself. Before you walk out the door make sure you are confident about all aspects of you.

3. Hang around movers and shakers. I sound like my mom here. You are truly what your friends are. If they are going places and not afraid to take risks. You will be motivated to do the same. (Quick acknowledgement to my friends, grain, sorors, and family. you guys are the best lol)

4. Don’t become a hater. If you recognize any of those hater comments coming out of your mouth…STOP and apologize immediately. Then go and figure out what is truly the problem.

5. Everything isn’t hate. The truth hurts. Evaluate what was said and see if it has the ring of truth. Even if it was said harshly. It may be poorly conveyed constructive criticism. “You’re breath stinks” is not hate. “You failed” is not hate. “You’re not that pretty”…ding ding ding HATE! See the difference? (if you didn’t…the keywords there are “not that”)


I leave you with my favorite and most uncanny response to hate comes from the movie Pirates of the Caribbean”

Guardsmen: Jack Sparrow! You have got to be the worst pirate I have ever heard of! (Scoffs)
Johnny Depp: (with a real slick tone to his voice) Oh but you have heard of me…


LOL! Stay relevant!

TTFN